My virtual trip home

Happy Memorial Day! For much of the country, Memorial Day weekend is linked with the start of summer weather. But for those of us who live in Central/South Texas, it's just another day in May: sunny, bone-dry, and 98 degrees.

As I wrote about in my previous entry, my niece graduated from high school this weekend. While I was sad I missed out on all the family festivities, I'm relieved the hubby and I ended up canceling our trip to California. For one thing, I spent all of Saturday, the day of the graduation party, on the couch, exhausted from the last chemo treatment. I've had the usual intermittent nausea all weekend, and my mouth/throat sores are back again, making it painful to swallow. And to top it off, my poor niece ended up with a nasty stomach virus the day of her graduation. While I feel terrible for her, I'm also grateful I don't have to worry about catching the same bug. I don't even want to think about what it would have been like to be suffering from a stomach virus on top of all of the chemo side effects, all while trapped in an airplane!!

On the bright side, thanks to the wonders of modern technology (specifically, Apple's FaceTime video chat application), I was able to "attend" the big family/friend graduation party without ever leaving my comfy couch. I got to say hi to some people I haven't seen in a long time, hear a couple of toasts, and watch as my niece received her shiny new bicycle for college, a gift from a group of us. This really helped to lift my spirits, and I felt a little better about not being there in person. So a big thanks to whoever created FaceTime, and to Lee for setting everything up on the California side - love you!

Last Dose of the "Red Devil."

Hurray! I just had my fourth and last round of the infamous "red devil" chemo today. Now I'm just waiting for the miserable side effects to kick in, as I know they will based on the previous three rounds. In two weeks I'll start another chemo called Taxol, which I'll receive every week for 3 months. Taxol is suppposedly easier on the body, with the most common side effects being fatigue, bone and joint pain—oh, and my fingernails might start separating from the nail bed, perhaps falling off completely! That would be a pretty hot look for a bald chick, especially if I lose my eyelashes or eyebrows too. Watch out Tyra Banks!

Unfortunately, cancer has derailed a trip I was really looking forward to. After much reflection and advice from some of the Pink Cowgirls, we canceled our travel plans to fly to CA this week for my niece's high school graduation. Major bummer because I really wanted to be there to celebrate with her and participate in the festivities with my family and friends :( But the risk of getting on a plane and traveling while feeling sick and incredibly fatigued just doesn't seem like a good idea right now.

So to my niece: Again, I'm so sorry I won't be there, but I know you understand. You've turned into a wonderful young woman and I'm very proud of you. I love you with all my heart. Just know that I will be thinking of you constantly this weekend. And let's try to see each other before you head off to college, even if you fly out here yourself to see me.

Polly is proud of Mr. Pincushion

A momentous occasion happened this past weekend. I witnessed Mr. Pincushion walk on stage during UT's graduation and get "hooded" thereby officially becoming a Doctor! While he won't be saving lives or finding a cure for diseases, he will help shape and mold young minds and pass on his passion and love for music thereby making the world a better place. It's been six years coming and a long six years at that (for both of us). There were times during the grueling process that neither one of us were completely confident that he would make it to the end, but he did. What's even more remarkable is that he was able to focus and finish writing his dissertation in the face of disastrous news - that I had aggressive breast cancer. If the tables were turned and I was told that he had cancer, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to write one word let alone a very long research paper! So kudos to you, Mr. Pincushion. I'm very, very proud of you for sticking with it even when you didn't think you could. It's a wonderful accomplishment and you will always hold the title of "Dr." even if you do end up being a coffee barista at Starbucks. And if you do, I'll still love you as long as you make me free lattes.

Cotton mouth Polly

Have you ever felt like there's a big ol' cotton ball stuffed in your mouth? Has your tongue ever been coated in a nasty white film? Have you ever felt like you're swallowing acid every time you eat? Or like you have one of those ridiculous horse-sized pills permanently lodged in your throat, and every time you swallow, it's like a needle scraping up against your esophagus? Well that's what I've felt like for the past 5 days now, and it SUCKS! Yes, Polly has encountered another lovely side effect of chemotherapy—mouth sores and "thrush." I haven't been able to swallow my pills, and it has been really painful to eat anything but soft, bland food. And I'm getting mighty sick of soft, bland food. I mean, I like yogurt, smoothies and ice cream—a lot—but enough already; bring on the flavorful Chinese food or Indian food!

Today, after about the fifth day of taking an oral drug and of swishing and swallowing this nasty medication for mouth sores, I think I'm finally turning the corner! I ate some pizza tonight, and it didn't kill going down my gullet. And I was actually able to swallow most of my pills again. I think I'll celebrate with some coffee flavored ice cream. Hey, I didn't say I was done with ice cream for good!

And it's finally raining here in Austin. Just the second time since last September. Yippee! I can hear the grass, trees and flowers sighing with relief.

An Unexpected Comic Moment

Okay, so yesterday (six days after chemo) was a pretty bad day for me. The fatigue was unrelenting, and accompanied by intermittent waves of nausea and a migraine to top it off. I was feeling very blue, and couldn't seem to hold back the tears. Frankly, at times I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to handle another round of chemo and just wanted to throw in the towel. My mother-in-law was due to arrive in the afternoon, and there was still cleaning that needed to get done. Meanwhile, I couldn't even muster up the energy to take a shower. Poor Mr. Pincushion! He was running around like a madman, preparing me nutritious things to eat (with lots of protein), wiping my tears and comforting me, and finishing the housecleaning before racing out to pick his mom up at the airport. And I felt useless and frustrated thinking of all the things I wanted or needed to do.

And then, in the middle of all the nausea, while taking a sip of water, I suddenly got a whiff of this absolutely horrible, hot, sulpheric stench. What the hell is that!? Gagging, I looked down on the floor next to me and saw my sweet, docile poochie sprawled out, snoozing away. I plugged my nose and started laughing, while trying not to vomit. My sweet little girl gave me comic relief when I needed it most. Stinky, lingering doggie farts.... Only a true dog lover can appreciate these little gifts of love.

Lucy, our stinky farty sweetie pie.

You are NOT taking away my cereal!

The other interesting event last week was a meeting my hubby and I had with a nutritionist who specializes in cancer nutrition. He gave us some very specific recommendations about what one should and shouldn't do, nutritionally speaking, during chemo treatments. Unfortunately, among the nutritionist's top no-no's was cold cereal. OH NOOOOO!! He wants me to get as much protein as possible, and in general to eat mostly foods with low glycemic values. The nutritionist also recommended a whole bunch of vitamins and supplements to add to my already big list of daily pills. Looks like I'll be expanding the bread box!

Anyway, the whole point of the nutritionist's plan is to maximize the effects of the chemotherapy on my cancer. Great! However, when I tried our new pre-infusion plan yesterday (only protein, veggies & dairy the day before chemo) I was starving for carbs and getting cranky about it. Give me some cereal, or a piece of cake, please! This drove hubby (who has become the high protein/low glycemic police) up the wall. Fortunately, we found out that premium ice cream qualifies as a low glycemic food. Hubby rushed out to the corner ice cream shop and brought me back two scoops of coffee ice cream with almonds. Peace was restored. 

Now it's the evening after chemo and I'm home with my puke bucket next to me, just in case. Little waves of nausea come but quickly go away. Three treatments down and only one more round of the red devil to go... Hallelujah!

The Pink Ribbon Cowgirls

Last week was busy, but for the most part I felt pretty good. Just in time to get zapped again with the "red devil," which is flowing through my alien and into my veins as I write this entry.

I went to another luncheon with the "Pink Ribbon Cowgirls" last Wednesday. I met some new women, all at different stages in their cancer treatment. It's very comforting to be among women who have gone through (or are currently going through) many of the same experiences as me. It was interesting hearing their personal histories and swapping our war stories. The girls assured me that the "red devil" chemo is shi*ty for everyone, and if I can just get through these last two rounds my life will get better with the switch to Taxol. I'm not sure that will be the case with me, since I am a magnet for side effects. So when I heard it casually mentioned that Taxol can cause finger and toe nails to fall off, I thought to myself, "Check. Can't wait for my toe nails to fall off." Cancer takes everything away from you. It strips you of all things womanly, including all of your hair (yes, that means EVERYWHERE), your finger & toe nails, and sometimes your brain (known as Chemo-fog). On the bright side, I've counted two benefits: I'm not getting my period anymore, and with the Texas heat already arrived I do feel much cooler as a baldie. In fact, I've adjusted so much to my new look that I go outside to get the newspaper or water the plants with my bald head uncovered in all its glory.

Pictures from Shave Day!!

Um, what's he doing to my head?

Cute, but not my style.

Kicking cancer's ass!

Mr. Pincushion has grown a little too fond of my wig. He does seem more confident, though.

Polly Goes Punk

Well, yesterday was a big day. I took the plunge and had my porcupine quills shaved off, at least the ones still left. I could no longer stand to see my hair plugging up the shower and sinks, and covering my pillowcase in the morning. My friend Piper accompanied me to the wig shop, providing some much needed moral support. While she documented the event with my camera, Ronn worked his magic with the electric clippers. It was all over in a few minutes, but not before Ronn set me up with a sweet—and I assure you, temporary—mohawk. After finishing off what was left Ronn helped place my new wig on my very sensitive bald scalp and we left. Thank you to my dear friend Piper and the always hilarious and wonderful Ronn Hanson for making the dreaded SHAVE day about as fun as it could be!

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of going to the American Cancer Society about an hour later to pick up some free head scarves and hats. Trying them on, I had no choice but to stare at my new bald head in the mirror. S**T! Nothing against bald people (my hubby's one of 'em), but it's NOT a good look on me. The woman showing me the scarves then offered to give me two bras, apparently meant to be worn after breast surgery. She looked down at my bust and asked what size bra I wore. Cocking her head, she said, "It looks like your breasts are two different sizes. What's up with that?" Um, maybe it's because there's a LARGE TUMOR IN ONE OF THEM!! Thanks for the bras, but I really didn't need a reminder about my lopsided boobs! I'm just trying to get through chemo right now; I'm really not ready to think about surgery and losing my breast(s) at this point. Besides, if they're removed, why the hell would I even need a bra? My new double D's wouldn't fit into those free bras anyway.

I know she didn't intend to upset me but it was all just too much. I drove home and the waterworks turned on full blast. I was beside myself, and Mr. Pincushion was beside me. After a good cry and feeling sorry for myself, I felt a little better, and we watched a great movie called Love And Other Drugs. It was very funny and touching, with a story that unexpectedly hit home for the hubby and me.  Disclaimer: This one's definitely not for the kids, or anyone uncomfortable watching naked people getting busy with each other. Stay tuned for pictures of my mohawk tomorrow!