Flashes in the night

Now I can really have empathy for all those women who have gone through the big "change in life" - menopause. And I can say that so far parts of it really SUCK! For those of you that aren't familiar with all the nitty-gritty details of cancer, chemotherapy causes most premenopausal women to go into early menopause also known as "chemopause." Sometimes this lovely side effect is temporary and for other women, it's permanent. Obviously, I hope I'll be in the former group. The worst part of chemopause for me has been the god awful hot flashes that come out of it nowhere through out the day. They feel like someone has shoved me in the broiler and then turned it on full blast. Of course, it doesn't help that Austin, TX is hotter than hades right now - 100 degrees and sunny - with no relief in sight. My hot flashes are at their worst when I get into bed at night as my body temperature in completely out of whack. At first my body, particularly my bald head, is cold because of the central AC and the ceiling fan whirling above me. Usually I put on my cute pink cotton cap. Just as I'm feeling sleepy, the AC goes cycle goes off and my internal thermostat starts heating up, causing me to get clammy and overheated as I throw off my cotton cap and all the bed covers waking me up again. This craziness happens repeatedly until I finally fall asleep.

The hubby would probably say that my frequent irritableness is the worst symptom of chemopause. But then who's asking him? Besides, I do have a genuine physical and mental reason to be moody and impatient. Trust me, if men had to go through the change of life, either they would die off very soon afterwards or act like the biggest jerks ever!

An alien adventure

My port catheter, aka my "alien," finally had enough this past Friday—and tried to escape my chest. Pricking through my skin, I half expected it to burst through my chest wall, snarling at me and waving its slimy tentacles (just like that infamous scene from the movie "Aliens"). At the suggestion of my breast surgeon, I went back to see the surgeon who implanted the device. He agreed that if left to its own, the port would probably break through the skin, exposing me to a risk of infection. So Polly Pincushion was pricked once again. The doc put a needle in my chest, injected some local anesthetic,   and made a small incision near my catheter. All of this happened while I was wide awake, trying not to move or see the scalpel cutting into my skin. It turned out that a stitch he had made during the original procedure had worked its way to the surface of my skin. He just snipped it away then sewed me back up. Thank goodness my breast surgeon—as well as the chemo nurses—noticed the potential problem - kudos to them! Pictures below:

Before: The alien escapes!!

After: Back in my chest, safe and sound.

Lumps begone!

Some good news! I saw my breast surgeon this morning, and after a manual exam and an ultrasound, she said that she couldn't feel or see my tumors anymore. Now, by no means does this mean I'm cured. I still have cancer—and at least one of my lymph nodes is still enlarged—but apparently the tumors have shrunk so much that she couldn't detect them. So the chemo appears to be doing its job. Mr. Pincushion thinks my crazy nutritional regimen is helping, too. All I know is THANK GOD I haven't been going through all this crap for nothing.

My surgeon actually asked me what kind of surgery I'd like to have. I'm sure I looked at her like she had a third eye. I was kind of expecting her to just tell me the plan, or maybe discuss what she would do if she were in my shoes. Nope, she went over several different options, which include lumpectomy, mastectomy (single or double), along with an axillary lymph node dissection. So now it's time for more research and more opinions. I did learn one interesting tidbit, though. As part of some breast reconstruction procedures, surgeons can use stomach fat to help make a new boob. In fact, my surgeon said I shouldn't lose any more weight so they can use the fat that's already there. No more "pooch," just the flat stomach I've always wanted! Not that I was trying to lose weight, the "red devil" chemo took care of that for me. Bring on the milkshakes!

Last night I was "sleepless in Austin." I was still awake at 5:30am, thinking about all kinds of random, unimportant things. So while today's news was great and a welcome relief, I didn't have the energy to call anybody. Hopefully, tonight I will sleep soundly, and through the whole night.

A Bald Mistake

I'm having a great week so far with my Aunt Mary showing her around Austin despite the 102 degree temps (literally). She's been a huge help cooking up a storm and stocking my freezer with meals for the hubby and me. Plus, she's been taking Lucy for long walks in the morning while I sleep and sewing a few new pretty head scarves for me. Boy, I could get used to having her nearby all the time but unfortunately, she leaves tomorrow for home to much cooler Connecticut.

We've been so busy that on Tuesday night I did something I swore I would never do. We were rushing out the door to catch a movie (Tree of Life...interesting but rather bizarre). After parking, we started walking to the theatre when all of the sudden, I put my hand on my head and realized,  OH SH**T, I forgot to cover my bald head! My heart sunk but there was no time to go home and get a scarf and make it back in time for the movie. So I did what I never wanted to do which was to go into a public place with my shiny bald head on display for everyone to stare at. While I realize most people figure I have cancer when they see me wearing a scarf around my head, I don't feel as exposed and uncomfortable with it being covered up. I hate it when people look at me with a sad smile on their face as if I'm already on my death bed. Maybe I should get my body covered in colored tattoos wear a few chunky silver rings with skulls and heavy black eyeliner and then I would fit in more with the rest of Austin's population! Mr. Pincushion and I have always said that we're probably the only people in Austin that don't have any tattoos.

Oops!

Oops! I meant to include two more pictures on my last posting so I'll just add them here.

The view from my Dad's back yard of the eastern part of Penobscot bay.

Center Harbor in Brooklin, ME

Polly gets a visitor

Monday morning and it's chemo time! I'm sitting in the recliner getting my infusion. Only this time my Aunt Mary is sitting in a chair keeping me company. She came yesterday afternoon from her home in New England to hang out with me for the next five days while Mr. Pincushion is in Houston. It's wonderful to have Mary here. Unfortunately, it's hotter than hell (100 degrees) so we can't do too much outside. Last night, Mary brought us live lobsters from Maine which was a real treat! I LOVE Maine lobsters. We had a real summer feast with lobsters, local corn on the cob and ripe tomatoes and basil drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Yummy...

Normally we go to Maine for a couple of weeks in the summer to escape the Texas heat but this year chemotherapy has derailed any plans to go there. Instead I have to suffer through this unbearable hot and bone dry weather. I've been going to Maine since I was a little girl to visit family. It's one of the most beautiful states there is.

 

 

The view from my Grandmother's front yard in Damariscotta, ME

Taxol's less taxing...

It's been almost a week since my first infusion of Taxol, the new chemo I'll be treated with for the next three months. So far, the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls were right; the side effects have been much easier to deal with compared to my experience with the dreaded "red devil." Other than a little fatigue and some muscle and bone pain one day, I've felt pretty darn good. Well, there has been one rather unsettling new development: one of my big toenails appears to be coming unattached. So there's that...

Anyway, I felt good enough to do some painting this week, and completed the small still life below. And I even went to a yoga class for the first time in a long while. Another perk of having cancer: FREE yoga classes every Thursday at Texas Oncology! It's one of the few places where I felt completely comfortable showing off my bald head in all it's glory! The class was great, except one of the women seemed unable to keep herself from farting. Loudly. Thank god they weren't smelly.

Speaking of baldness, Mr. Pincushion got to shave the stubble and leftover peach fuzz off of my head the other night. Pretty kinky, huh?

Polly's Bucket List

Though my body was tired, I couldn't for the life of me get my brain to turn off last night. I was tossing and turning until 5:30 in the morning, all while Mr. Pincushion and the dog lay next to me, snoring happily away. One of the many things I thought about was what would be on my "bucket list." For those of you who may be unfamiliar, this is a list of what you want to do before you kick the bucket. Not to be too morbid, but as someone living with both MS and cancer, it's hard not to ponder these kinds of things.

Here's what's on my "bucket list" so far, not in any particular order or priority, though I would like to travel while I'm young and relatively healthy.

1) Go to England, Scotland and Ireland. See where my Stare family ancestors came from.
2) Travel to Switzerland, Netherlands, Germany and northern Italy.
3) Rent a Winnebago and visit several national parks.
4) Visit Charleston, South Carolina.
5) Travel to Alaska to see the incredible wildlife (though not in the winter).
6) Write a book and hopefully get it published.
7) See manatees up close in their natural habitat (and maybe even swim with them).
8) Live in a house with a big, wide southern style front porch, and a beautiful back yard with beautiful and interesting landscaping, soothing water features, and lots of room for my garden beds.

These ones will never happen, but it's my bucket list:
9) Travel by time machine to attend one of Oprah's Christmastime "My favorite things" shows.
10) Have a romantic dinner with Johnny Depp, followed by a smooch (sorry, Mr. Pincushion).

Some of you may think that my bucket list is rather boring, but I'm really not a risk taker. You won't catch me bungee jumping, skydiving or swimming with sharks. I don't need a lot to be content. Sitting outside of a cafe in Rome, sipping a cappucino and people watching is more my speed!

Polly gets prepubscent

WARNING: This particular entry may be a little "T.M.I." for some of you. If so, I'm sorry, but this blog is about sharing the true, uncensored stories of my journey in cancer land. So you can stop reading if any of this makes you uncomfortable. 

I first noticed it while taking a shower this morning. I looked down and... OH NO!! I'm losing my pubic hair!! My nether regions appear to be reverting back to their prepubescent state! Now, I've been told that being bald "down there" is all the rage with teenage girls and 20-somethings. I personally don't like it one bit. My feeling is that we grow pubes for a reason, and they are a natural part of being a mature, adult woman. So for me, looking like I have the private parts of a 10 year old girl has been rather upsetting. In fact, since losing my hair (on my head), I've been feeling less and less womanly and less and less attractive. Having cancer and going through chemotherapy makes you feel about as sexy as a big ol' heap of poo. The thought of "getting it on" sounds about as much fun as eating that big ol' heap of poo. I'm sure that once I have surgery and they lop off one or both of my breasts these feelings will only get worse. Poor Mr. Pincushion... It's going to be a very LONG year for him. Thankfully, he's very understanding. I wonder if men lose their pubic hair when they have chemotherapy? Actually, I don't even want to think about that.

As a side note, tomorrow I begin what is rumored to be the slightly more tolerable chemotherapy called Taxol. I'll be doing this once a week for the next three months. Can't wait!!